Mood Modification for Mommies

Photo Credit: Paul Townsend

I wrote in a previous post that I had been experiencing sleep deprivation with my now nine month old daughter. While things are back to "normal" (read: OUR normal) with typically 4 feedings between 9pm and 8am, I still wanted to explain a little bit about what had brought me to such a place of sheer desperation that I was willing to compromise one of my core beliefs to get what I wanted. But first, let me explain a little about that core belief and how it came to be.

My biological mother is not exactly what you would call a "woman of her word". I basically take anything she says with a grain of salt, because it's probably not going to happen. She said she would send me a birthday gift. Never happened. Baby pictures of me that I asked her for? Never got them. The $200 that she promised my sister to help her with college when she was struggling? Such an exchange never occurred. It was hard to handle when I was young, but as I've grown up, I've learned to simply accept and overlook it. Because of it, however, I made a pact with myself long before Hannah was born that no matter what, I wanted her to be able to trust me and to know that I loved and wanted her (my mom also gave her rights to me away when I was 9 and has proven through her actions that she really prefers partying and reckless living to relationships with her children).

When I was pregnant with my daughter, the evidence of this pact revealed itself in my commitment to, no matter how much I threw up and could barely eat for nineteen weeks, never say that I wished I hadn't gotten pregnant or that I in any way considered her a burden. I felt she would be able to, if not hear me, possibly understand in some way that I felt that way, and I didn't want that. After she was born, my desire for her to trust me propelled me out of bed day and night to feed her, no matter how hard it was or how much I felt like I was having to sacrifice my body to this tiny human. I wanted so greatly for her to know that I would always come for her when she needed me.

At around six months, that all changed. I had read one too many "authoritative sources" that said infants should be sleeping through the night by 4 months. But more than that, I had started listening to and watching the wrong stuff. Mommy blogs that encouraged me to complain when I didn't like something rather than focusing on what I DID like and how many blessings I had. Netflix shows that promoted "following your heart", no matter what it destroys in the process. Facebook posts that encouraged a person to pursue pleasure and get quick results, with no need for hard work and dedication (I'm sure everyone saw that Zuckerberg was giving away $4.5 million to certain people who copied and pasted a status).

Listening to and seeing these types of things constantly can really influence a person. They caused me to try the Ferber cry-it-out method, even though my mommy instinct told me it was a bad idea, simply because I wanted my own way. I forgot completely about what my daughter NEEDED from me (here's a really cool article about that). There have been many times in the past when starting my day with Facebook would leave me feeling grumpy and cranky all day. On the days when I don't start my day with Facebook, I always feel more energetic and ready to take on the day's tasks. So I've changed  my strategy. Now I start my day with the Bible and a YouTube video of Sam and Nia, because they are always so encouraging and have great attitudes about life. I choose Netflix shows that have a lesson learned in them and promote positive messages. I have noticed that I'm much more positive in my outlook. I get more accomplished and don't complain so much.

I remember a conversation I had with my husband a couple of months ago (it takes me forever to write a blog), when I was just starting to come out of this "poor me" mentality. We were sitting at the kitchen table, and I told him how I wanted to start focusing more on my blessings and quit complaining so much. He told me that he noticed I had been trying to do that the previous couple of days, and that the change in my attitude from what I watched/read before this new commitment and what I watched/read after it really showed. He asked me a few months back, when I was in the throes of complaining constantly, "Are you going to be like this all the time? Because I'm not sure I can handle forever being like this." Fast forward to our kitchen table conversation, and I will never forget the words he said after acknowledging he had noticed a change, "This is the woman I married. You're so happy and full of joy. I like it." This is the woman I want to be, and this is the woman that my family needs me to be. Not the complain-a-holic constantly seeking her own comfort. 

What you place before you really does become a part of you. Jonah Lehrer, a scientist who studies the brain, stated that, "when we're watching someone else do something, our brain doesn't think we're watching it. Our brain is convinced we're actually doing it too". "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns really captures how things can slowly influence us. The first two verses really hit home: "Be careful little eyes what you see. It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings. Be careful little feet where you go, for it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow". I don't want my daughter growing up learning to complain all the time and seek her own pleasure above that of others. Sometimes it's hard to constantly be on the lookout for things that are negatively influencing us, but it can also be so important.