I'm pretty sure I know what will be the cause of the end of the world....lack of sleep! I have some pretty morbid thoughts at 4am (usually the third but lately the 5th wakeup and feeding that my 8 month old demands of me) which are not very loving. So lack of sleep=lack of love=no compassion=anger=riots and violence=death=END OF THE WORLD. So you see, my mommy issues have just solved all the world problems. You're welcome.So what caused all this upheaval? Well...in a word (okay, two)...sleep training. I attempted the Ferber method every night for 5 nights and not only was unsuccessful but ended up with a very angry baby. It's probably because I didn't do it properly and she didn't know what to expect. On the first night, I let her cry for 5 minutes before going in to comfort her. I then added a minute each time. The second night I went in after 7 and added two minutes, and so on. I didn't let her cry for longer than 15 minutes on any night before going to comfort and I never fed her for comfort. I guess the problem was with my expectations. From what I had heard from other moms and read online, I just assumed that doing this at the beginning of the night and getting her to sleep initially would mean she wouldn't wake up the rest of the night and would learn to comfort herself. So when she cried 2-3 hours later, I fed her. I didn't feel like it would be right to just make her quit eating at night cold turkey since she was eating on average 3-4 times a night, so my goal was just to get her to sleep initially.
Worst. Decision. Ever.
She used to wake up happy and smiling. Now she wakes up crying because she doesn't trust me anymore and doesn't understand why sometimes I make her cry it out and other times I just feed her right to sleep like I have since she was born. When I rest my hand on her belly or rub her head to comfort her before nursing during the day, she grabs my hand and pushes it away angrily. It makes me sad.
I've gone back to my previous method of just nursing on demand as long and as many times as she wants. The problem is that now she wants the comfort 4-6 times a night instead of 2-4. Worse still, each session is 20 minutes to an hour long, during which I have to stay awake because side nursing makes my skin get a sudden bout of restless body syndrome and it feels like ants are crawling all over me and I have to move, but can't. And, to top it off, the last couple of nights she has decided that 2am and 4am are good times to wake up and play for an hour, which forces me to put her in her bed and let her cry until she's ready to cooperate and nurse back to sleep (I go in and can tell if she's ready to cooperate or not just by her reaction when I walk in). And to top THAT off, she will only take about 45 mins- and hour's worth of naps during the day, though she does dream feed.
She is SO cranky during the day at times when she needs a nap but won't stay asleep after nursing. It breaks my heart because I know what she needs but am at a loss as to how to get her to understand her need for sleep and go with it. It's hard to listen to her crying. I don't want to anymore. I want to go back to the days when I could just go nurse her right back to sleep without any issues. I guess what my husband says is true...you can lead a baby to bed, but you can't make them sleep.
The worst part of this is when I try to talk myself through the 4am crazies with stories of single moms who work 12 hour shifts and still manage to hold themselves together without sleep. Of moms who haven't gotten to be moms except for a very short time and would take those sleepless nights and run with them with glee. Of women who haven't gotten to be moms at all and have lost that opportunity. Moms whose babies have serious medical issues and whose lives are far more heartbreaking than mine. Compared to all of them, I live a pretty cushy life and have it made in the shade. But my sleep-deprived self is unable to empathize on a mere 4-6 total hours of sleep a night, none of which are consecutive.
I constantly question myself. I know I shouldn't feed her to sleep but should put her down drowsy. I often do. I know I should put her in her bed and just let her play in an effort to get her to take naps during the day. Tried that (she cries because she knows the bed is for sleeping. I've read the books and articles and listened to the mommy advice. I've even made her flat out cry it out until she stopped at times when absolutely nothing else worked (the most was like 30 mins, I think). She won't take a pacifier and her dad can't take over because she rejected the bottle at 3 months and won't take it back. She will take a cup, and we're hoping to turn that into a long-term solution.
I know something's got to change. I realize now, after many sanity-inducing and encouraging talks with the husband, that cry it out just won't work for us. We may try the preemptive feedings, or I may accept that I am a mom now and sacrifices are inevitable because this is a beautiful, wonderful choice that I made (this is my current approach). One thing I do know, however, is that this journey has taught me something valuable....one approach doesn't work for everyone. I have mommy friends who did cry it out. I have friends who did Ferber. I even have friends who nurse their babies day and night without question and on demand until they are weaned (you superhero moms, you).
Since before Hannah was even born, it was my primary goal to let her know that she could trust me. For the first six months of her life, that is what got me up for the night feedings. When my body and brain fought it, my heart cried out that she needed to know that she could trust me. It got me through. In a later blog, I will go into more detail about what changed (It will be called Mood Modification for Mommies, because I like alliteration. Haha).
For now, I'm going to focus on the smiles she gives me when she's made a new discovery around the house. The amazing feeling I get when I'm standing in one room and she crawls to me from another full of happiness and accomplishment. The feeling of pride when we're in the grocery store and everyone points out how adorable she is because she gives them cute smiles. That wonder I see in her eyes when she sees the snowflakes in a snow globe swirl around or watches intently as I make a new sound with my mouth. The joy I see when we play Legos or read a book. That's my daughter, and that's the little girl I want to focus on. One day the sleep will come, but for now I choose to focus on the good moments.
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