Against My Will

Clock Face by Stevie Gill, licensed under CC by 2.0

I think I would probably be perfectly happy keeping this baby inside me until she was ready if I didn't feel so pressured by society. I love being pregnant most of the time. I love the little kicks and turns. I love knowing that while she's still inside me, I can protect her. As soon as she's out, I can only do my best where that's concerned, and it will never be a guarantee. I love just sitting and relishing the moments when I start thinking about her and she moves around, almost as if in response to the love that I am sending her way. I love imagining what she will look like. Who she will be. What she will love. But, for some reason, I am not overly anxious to meet her deep down inside. Deep down inside, I'm....content. I'm happy that I'm finally here...that I'm finally living my dream of being pregnant. It feels wonderful.



I mean, I have the occasional discomforts like the stretch marks that have developed into PUPPPs, which is an incredibly itchy rash ALL over my belly that I have scratched so much as to now have open sores. It's supposed to go away after I give birth. But I've found that rubbing a Vitamin E oil/Extra Virgin Olive Oil Blend with about 4 drops of lavendar essential oil on it seem to take away the itch for the most part, so I'm coping. And I fell on my pelvis a few months back, which led to a chain reaction of being barely able to walk in the morning and unable to turn over without pain at night. But then I figured out that as soon as I empty my bladder, I can walk again, and if I turn over onto my knees and then onto the other side, it's practically painless. So I've learned to cope with that too. So for the most part, pregnancy is great and I'm focusing on the positives and even am looking forward to the next pregnancy (but not the 19 weeks straight of nausea and vomiting that will likely come with it, as was with this one). I love all the good moments.

But society. I feel so pressured to have this child, and I have since about week 36. I'm due tomorrow. She's not here. I had a membrane sweep yesterday and contracted for several hours rather sporadically. Then it went away once I went to sleep. They came back when I put some more clary sage on my belly. I got the sweep because I really don't want to be induced, but my doctor induces at 41 weeks. So I have to have this baby within one week or be faced with labor-inducing medication which I have heard makes many women submit to an epidural because the medications cause the contractions to be much harder than normal contractions. God designed this whole process so perfectly. It's really a beautiful thing. Your body is supposed to contract slowly, then gradually get faster and harder, allowing you to adjust both mentally and physically. Inducement takes all that away and your body is forced into a situation which it just isn't ready for. On top of that, my doctor will break my water right at the beginning. Everything I've heard about that just equals good old fashioned pain. The bag of waters cushions the baby's head from pressing too unbearably on the cervix throughout the majority of the labor. If it's gone I get to deal with the increased contractions on top of a heavy head putting extreme pressure on my cervix.

I'm so terrified. I was already scared enough about making it through labor naturally, since a great many people say it's simply not possible anymore with all the wonderful pain relieving options out there. Well, I wanted to. I wanted to connect is some awesome way to all the brave women who have gone for centuries without the convenience of modern medicine. I wanted to do it the way God designed it in the first place with no interventions. I feel like that right has completely been taken from me if I don't fit within the parameters and have this baby by the time someone says I should.

I've seen the statistics. I know it gets more dangerous as time goes on to keep the baby inside. I guess I just like to push things to the envelope and wanted to give my body as much time as it needed. Just until 42 weeks. I'm not too unreasonable. But nope. 41 weeks is safer, so that's what my doctor does. She's right. I know she's right. I just feel like because of this added pressure, I have to find ways to induce my labor naturally so that I can "beat" the doctor so to speak. I've done clary sage, raspberry tea, a membrane sweep, etc, etc. I've contracted, but it's not turning into anything, and that is perhaps the hardest, most frustrating part.

I am so annoyed. I've had a full four days of noticeable contractions and they just won't turn into anything. I feel like I have to just sit around and wait for something to happen. I hate it because I can't focus on anything else. The pressure makes me spend all the contracting time hoping and praying it turns into something so that I can avoid being induced. I should be resting. I should be getting ahead in school. I should be ignoring them, but they make me so anxious that I just can't seem to focus on those things. I last through about an hour nap and then feel guilty because I feel like I should have spent that time going for massively long walks. I should have been breathing in the clary sage from my diffuser or rubbed it on my belly. I should have had some more tea or done some perennial massage. Something. Anything. I hate all this early, possibly false labor. It's so irritating because I can't work on school through it, I can't nap through it. I can't even ignore it at this point because it's a little too strong for that. I'm trying to save all my energy and breathing techniques for the real thing because I know I will need it if I have any hopes of going natural with it, but it's getting harder and harder. I have school to do. I have dishes to do. But all I can think about is how much I hope that this turns into something so that I can avoid the horrible atrocities that I've created in my mind about being induced. It's such a difficult path to walk for someone who so loves to have everything orderly and under control. I often feel as if someone has switched on the cruise control in my car and I have no way to turn it off, so I am simply forced to just go the speed limit that has been placed upon me. No more. No less.

Have you ever felt pressured by society?